Negotiation

Negotiation

Imagine that you are sitting comfortably in /your living room watching your favorite television program. You are/thoroughly engrossed in the story; in fact, the most exciting part is coming up. Suddenly, there's a knock at your door. When you answer it, you find a neighbor, one you know only casually. She says, "My TV just broke and/I'd really like to borrow yours to watch. My favorite program is on tonight and I'd hate to miss it." What would you do?

When you refuse to lend your television set, your spouse (or room­mate) hears what happened and says, "Shame on you for not sharing. How could you be so selfish? You're supposed to share!" These words do not make you feel kind and generous. They make you feel hurt and resentful.

Sharing is something we as adults do only when we are in control of a situation and are willing to make a sacrifice for a person or cause of our choice. Giving or losing our possessions to others through coercion, force, or threats could not really be called sharing, could it? Yet people do choose to share possessions and money with friends, relatives, and those in need. Most of us, under the right circumstances, do share.

The Process and the Steps

Children are, by nature, possessive, territorial, and egocentric. All this is a natural part of development. They must first establish and feel secure in their own identities before being able to take the great leap to empathy, con­sideration, and generosity toward others. In the example above, even the most generous adult would refuse to automatically share a possession as ordinary as a television set. This is why the insistence that toddlers share their precious toys with friends is unrealistic and seems cruel to them.

It is safe to say that all parents want their children to share. Over and over, I observe parents forcing their obstinate and frustrated child to give up a toy to another child. "Good boys and girls share their toys," they say. If the child refuses and throws a tantrum, the parents look embarrassed and guilty, perhaps even punishing the child. Why do we expect so much more of our children than of ourselves?

Sharing is a concept that is totally foreign and perplexing to infants and toddlers. Somewhere between three and four years of age, however, children who have been allowed total control over /their belongings will begin to enjoy a limited amount of voluntary sharing. Again, this must be their own decision. If children have always had the right to say no to sharing, they will acquire the maturity and desire to say yes. This is partly because by the time they are three or four years old they discover that shar­ing is more fun than playing alone.

How does problem solving deal with the question of sharing? In a chil­dren's program, the circumstances are obviously different from those in a child's home setting. The toys are there for everyone to play with, and they belong to no one. If a child brings a toy from home, it is definitely his or hers. But what about the center's toys?

If you've cared for young children, you know that they are capable offighting over the most insignificant object.With a group of toddlers and preschoolers, you could find yourself refereeing all day long. Most adults feel that it is easier and less trying simply to step in as the authority figure and tell kids what to do. This solution may be easier for adults, but it cer­tainly fails to address the long-term process of helping children learn to get their needs met in a positive, productive way. It also fails to give children the skills they need to form close, lasting relationships with other children.

The term in problem solving that refers to resolving conflicts is "nego­tiation." Like everything else in problem solving, it is part of a process. When the teacher uses authority and decides who is right and wrong, the conflict is, theoretically, over, and everyone abides by the ruling. With nego­tiation, the children involved participate equally in solving the problem, then decide on the preferred solution and abide by their own decision. This approach is more time-consuming for the adults in the center. It requires attention and patience, and sometimes the children cannot reach a mutually satisfactory solution. The process of negotiation, however, is more important than the outcome. Children are learning during this process.

Negotiation is not a matter of finding an instant answer to problem. It is about children learning social skills, such as assertiveness, that will last lifetime. It is about learning to see another person's point of view. It is also about learning to be a good listener as well as a clear communicator. And it is about taking responsibility for your own actions. Adults are always relieved when kids solve their problem and stop fighting, but for a long-term goal, the learning process is much more important.

To understand the process of negotiation, reread the opening pages of Chapter 1, the example of the red tricycle. Two children wanted the red tri­cycle even though there were other trikes. Their tugging and yelling were leading nowhere, so the teacher assumed the role of facilitator and helped them solve their problem. In the course of facilitating, the teacher followed
certain steps:

1. She helped the children identify their problem. Both children
wanted the red trike.

2. She encouraged them to contribute ideas for solving the problem and gave them enough time to think of ideas. Any idea was okay.

3. She restated their ideas in a positive way. Each child wanted the other to find another tricycle. Then they said they could take turns.

4. She helped them decide which idea they preferred. They preferred taking turns.

5. She helped them carry out their solution. She told them when five minutes were up.

6. She reinforced the process by telling them how well they had solved their problem.

Notice what the teacher did notdo. She did not place any blame, try tofigure out who really had the trike first, order the children to take turns, sep­arate them, scold or lecture them about sharing, ask why both wanted the  red trike, or redirect (to another activity), threaten, cajole, distract, or discount their feelings.
None of these tactics is used in problem solving.

Negotiation is appropriate whenever there is a conflict between chil­dren—that is, when the relationship "owns the problem." Negotiation is also appropriate between teachers and children when the problem belongs to them together. All children should feel that they have a part to play in resolving conflicts and that they will be listened to and respected. They should also know they will never be forced to negotiate. At times, children may decide a situation is not worth their time and effort. They may choose simply to walk away from it. This is every bit as acceptable as sticking with the situation.

The Moral Implications of Negotiation

The negotiation process does not depend on absolutes of right and wrong or on adult authority. Instead, it relies on the budding sense of fairness and altruism in normal children and their deep desire for acceptance by their peers. A child who negotiates learns what other children will tolerate and what they consider fair and acceptable. The child also learns how far he or she can push other people before invading their boundaries. During negoti­ation, children face each other and deal with their strengths and weaknesses. They learn what kind of impact their behavior has on other children and how to evaluate the consequences of their behavior. They test themselves to find out when to be flexible and when to stand their ground. Inevitably, they also learn to confront their own emotions and recognize that these emotions are transient and not fatal.

This complex process of making decisions, respecting the needs and desires of other children, considering the consequences of their actions on their playmates, and seeing themselves as other children see them con­tributes to the building of children's character, their moral quality. Not only does negotiation allow children to solve concrete problems, it also provides a framework for seeing the world as a place filled with possibilities. Chil­dren see that they can choose from a vast array of options if they can master the skills of negotiation. This positive outlook on life equips children to tackle whatever comes their way with self-assurance and optimism. Later in school, they will encounter rules, authority, and absolutes. Children armed with a sense of trust in their own decision-making powers will make morally sound choices on the basis of their own knowledge and experience as well as the dictates of society.

Negotiating with Verbal Toddlers and Preschoolers

As children gain vocabulary and become more articulate, they also provide more sophisticated and complex situations for negotiation. They begin to play in groups and form closer relationships with selected children in their peer group. They also begin to exclude or "pick on" some children and take advantage of smaller, less powerful ones. Many children discover that they can overpower others by screaming loudly. A certain amount of this behav­ior is normal and not necessarily an indicator of future behavior problems. The following examples include classic negotiating situations in which children are unevenly matched, negotiation becomes fighting, a child is excluded, or safety issues are involved. Examples later in the chapter exam­ine aggression and fighting.